Thursday, 8 May 2008

What goes on in your mind

I am pleased with myself because I haven't been in touch with Jack for 6 weeks. An email arrived from him today that he'd sent to all his friends asking for their numbers because he'd been mugged and his phone was stolen. According to Bart (my colleague and a mutual friend) the mugger punched Jack in the face. Anyway, I haven't replied. Does he really expect me to respond? I think I've been pretty clear about the fact that our relationship - as spurious and unhealthy as it was - is definitely at an absolute end.

I came near to calling him last week, when I was on my own with a bottle of Valpolicella. I phoned Megan instead and she helped me not to cave in, just having her there willing me not to mess up my life again by stepping backwards towards him made it easier to resist. Not so long ago I wouldn't have found the strength to restrain my dialing finger.

What would I have said to him if I had called him? Sometimes I think I want to tell him my latest news, I reckon he would have loved the story of Megan and me ending up in a lap dancing club last week - that was a good night, I remember most of it - I'll talk about that later. But no, if I phoned Jack it would have to mean I wanted to re-start our shambolic, sex driven, imbalanced affair, but I don't want to do that and being 'friends' is not a possibility. There is a good chance that if we met we'd have a shag and no matter how much I went on about it meaning nothing and changing nothing, his hopes for us getting back together would be raised, which would be reasonable I suppose.

In any case Sol and I are back together and I'm happy about that. He liked the story of the lap dancing club very much.

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