Wednesday, 14 May 2008

The pills worked

God it was really hard, tiring, stressful work having the affair. I think it started as a symptom of stress, mild depression, insecurity and avoidance, and it exacerbated these things steadily more and more until I broke down to the point that I could hardly function properly.

I lost a hell of a lot of weight, I was obsessed with my body, with my calorie intake (I still am a bit). I had no energy, I was ill almost constantly for months on end. I didn't cry, I lost all enthusiasm for anything, I was completely flat apart from when I plunged downwards into tormenting misery. Horrible.

I believe that since I was 10 years old I've had depressive periods (or 'episodes' as they are referred to by professionals, sufferers and chat show hosts). This last one was the worst in around 12 years and it was the first time I ever went to the doctor about my problems. I suppose I became desperate to improve because it wasn't just me anymore, I have a young son now and I need to be able to cope with life in order to be there for him. The doctor prescribed antidepressants which I've been taking for 6 months now.

The effects of antidepressants varies from person to person, in my experience I felt the effect quickly, within 2 weeks, and within a month I realised I was actually having some good days occasionally, when I would feel happy without any particular reason and could feel emotion. Anyway, now I am happier, more relaxed, stronger, more able to cope. It feels like I've emerged into daylight after being in a dark tunnel.

Ending the relationship with Jack has also helped me recover, I think. Apart from the fact that I didn't truly love him, he was really needy and I had nothing to give him. His medication was 3 times the strength of mine.

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