Thursday, 22 May 2008

Pissed again

I have been drinking too much, maybe I am developing a problem.I have 1 glass of wine and I don't want to stop, I start enjoying myself and I want to keep going. I drink with people, I drink alone. Sometimes I blame Jack. He drank every day, I drank whenever I saw him more or less. He said he was going to stop drinking once, I think he managed 2 or 3 days.

I used to go a fortnight without drinking but now I find it hard to do 4 days. I wasn't enjoying drinking last year so it was easy not to, but since I went on the pills I have been loving it. The info that comes with the pills says you're not meant to drink with them but I have paid no attention.

Sol thinks the reason I get in such a state when I drink these days is because I shouldn't be mixing it with the pills.

On Friday I went out for Jill Ds Birthday, I hadn't been out drinking with her before. Other girls were out too and it was a laugh. Jill D had had 3 double whiskeys before even leaving the house. She doesn't get much practice at drinking and she fell over twice (that might have been because she was wearing spiky, black, sparkly stiletto sling-backs rather than her usual walking shoes.

I tried to persuade her to come into town with me to some late opening bars but she decided against it. Just as well because I was of my face and she'd have ended up in town with a useless piss-head and would have probably had to get me in a taxi home straightaway. I ended up borrowing a bike from Shara to get home. I'm lucky that I didn't crack my head open because I was swerving all over the pavement, I could not control the bike at all. I woke up on my sofa at 6am with my coat and shoes still on. I think I might have drunk and tried to dial Jack, idiotic I know, at least I didn't manage. What a state.

I'm a bit pissed now, actually. I'm currently drinking limoncello & orange juice. It isn't nice, it's just alcoholic. I should have been doing housework but now that I'm tipsy I don't care enough.

I have to watch the drinking, though, because I'm from a family with a history of addiction.

Wednesday, 14 May 2008

The pills worked

God it was really hard, tiring, stressful work having the affair. I think it started as a symptom of stress, mild depression, insecurity and avoidance, and it exacerbated these things steadily more and more until I broke down to the point that I could hardly function properly.

I lost a hell of a lot of weight, I was obsessed with my body, with my calorie intake (I still am a bit). I had no energy, I was ill almost constantly for months on end. I didn't cry, I lost all enthusiasm for anything, I was completely flat apart from when I plunged downwards into tormenting misery. Horrible.

I believe that since I was 10 years old I've had depressive periods (or 'episodes' as they are referred to by professionals, sufferers and chat show hosts). This last one was the worst in around 12 years and it was the first time I ever went to the doctor about my problems. I suppose I became desperate to improve because it wasn't just me anymore, I have a young son now and I need to be able to cope with life in order to be there for him. The doctor prescribed antidepressants which I've been taking for 6 months now.

The effects of antidepressants varies from person to person, in my experience I felt the effect quickly, within 2 weeks, and within a month I realised I was actually having some good days occasionally, when I would feel happy without any particular reason and could feel emotion. Anyway, now I am happier, more relaxed, stronger, more able to cope. It feels like I've emerged into daylight after being in a dark tunnel.

Ending the relationship with Jack has also helped me recover, I think. Apart from the fact that I didn't truly love him, he was really needy and I had nothing to give him. His medication was 3 times the strength of mine.

Friday, 9 May 2008

2 bottle lunch

Just been to lunch with Bart and our former colleague and friend Julian. Great to catch up with Julian, he's an old friend and a genuinely inspiring and honest person. An artist in his own right and an exceptional teacher in my opinion.

We deliberated a few moments at the bar while we ordered lunch and decided whether also to order a bottle of white wine, we decided in favour of the wine with 3 glasses. Julian had been stopped yesterday evening by the police for drink driving, he'd had 3 pints in his local while formulating ideas following a meeting in work. The police car had stopped him as he turned the corner onto his street. The policeman said 'I'm stopping you on suspicion of drink driving.'
'Why?' was the response.
'Because you've just pulled out of a pub car park.'
'You were acting nervous. You were only going 15 miles an hour.'
"Yes, because I was only yards from home.'
'Do you know how many people are killed each year by drink drivers?'
'Yeah, and I also know how many are killed accidently by police gunfire.' Julian was given a breathaliser test on the spot which he failed. He was taken to the police station a few miles from his home where he was stripped of his watch and possessions and his wallet was emptied. He undertook another breathaliser test at the station and much to his surprise he passed and was told no charges would be made.

Julian had to get a taxi home, the driver asked him whether he'd had good day. 'Well, no I've just been at the police station, taken in for drink driving but I passed!'
"Well,' said the driver. 'That happened to me. I was out with the wife and kids for dinner and I had 13 pints of Old Peculiar. A police car stopped me and took a breathaliser test. I thought that if I knocked him out cold we could escape and he wouldn't know what had happened, so I took a swing at him but I missed. My wife jumped in and attacked him and got charged. They hauled us in but miraculously I passed the breathaliser, I don't know how.'

Anyway, we had another bottle of wine before heading back to the office, it's Friday so we had a couple of bottles of beer by our desks.

For your eyes only

Yes, Megan and me and Megan's boyfriend, Josh, went out last week. We had an insubstantial meal then checked out some new 'cool' bars and a 2 for 1 cocktails evening. I was drinking cocktails like they were pop, totally swigging them down. We got a real taste for the dizzy drunken laugh out loud feeling and didn't want to stop. When the last bar was closing we stumbled across the lane to a lap dancing bar.

The waitress was really helpful and told us we could have double vodka and Red Bull for £4.50 and explained what the form was with the dancers. We ordered a round of drinks, then one of the girls came over and chatted to us. I took a bit of a shine to her and ended up paying £10 for her to do a table dance for me. She was cute, looked Asian, petite but curvy with smallish perfect breasts. That's all I know about her. Toward the end of her dance she was topless and she allowed her nipple to brush against my mouth. I admit that I found it a turn on and got quite excited.

After that dance and another round of drinks a different girl joined us. There was a pole dancing show on at the same time and I watched that, but Megan and Josh chatted to her. Apparently Megan was less than complimentary about her and told her she wasn't as nice asa the first girl and had fake breasts. Not very sisterly, Megan. Anyway, Josh paid this girl for a dance for me as a belated birthday gift (although I think it was partly a gift for himself). I didn't enjoy the dance quite as much and I could tell the girl was a bit unsure of herself because she picked up on that. But at the end she did some moves that I got into and a smile crossed her lips and her eye twinkled a bit and I was pleased that I hadn't hurt her feelings too much.

On the way to the loo I saw the Asian girl sitting by the bar alone, as I passed her I said 'I really liked you, you were great, really nice, I enjoyed the dance very much.' She said 'Yeah, I really liked you too.' and I replied 'I know you're paid to say that.' She protested a little but I walked on. When I came out the loo she wasn't sitting there any more.

We were the last to leave the club, they had to chuck us out. I have no recollection of getting back to Megan's place but Josh said we had some vodka there and Megan and I fell over on the kitchen floor then tried to turn it into a breakdance. I had a huge black bruise on my knee the next day.

In the morning Megan woke me up and I was in her spare bed with all my clothes including my shoes still on. I borrowed a pair of her jeans then got a cab to work. I wasn't sober yet and I didn't allow myself to get sober, I had a glass of wine at lunchtime and went on the lash big style after work. I was just delaying the inevitable downer.

Thursday, 8 May 2008

What goes on in your mind

I am pleased with myself because I haven't been in touch with Jack for 6 weeks. An email arrived from him today that he'd sent to all his friends asking for their numbers because he'd been mugged and his phone was stolen. According to Bart (my colleague and a mutual friend) the mugger punched Jack in the face. Anyway, I haven't replied. Does he really expect me to respond? I think I've been pretty clear about the fact that our relationship - as spurious and unhealthy as it was - is definitely at an absolute end.

I came near to calling him last week, when I was on my own with a bottle of Valpolicella. I phoned Megan instead and she helped me not to cave in, just having her there willing me not to mess up my life again by stepping backwards towards him made it easier to resist. Not so long ago I wouldn't have found the strength to restrain my dialing finger.

What would I have said to him if I had called him? Sometimes I think I want to tell him my latest news, I reckon he would have loved the story of Megan and me ending up in a lap dancing club last week - that was a good night, I remember most of it - I'll talk about that later. But no, if I phoned Jack it would have to mean I wanted to re-start our shambolic, sex driven, imbalanced affair, but I don't want to do that and being 'friends' is not a possibility. There is a good chance that if we met we'd have a shag and no matter how much I went on about it meaning nothing and changing nothing, his hopes for us getting back together would be raised, which would be reasonable I suppose.

In any case Sol and I are back together and I'm happy about that. He liked the story of the lap dancing club very much.